“Hockey Moms” know best

“The bond between a sports mom and their child is unbreakable, forged through countless practices, bruises, victories, and defeats.”

I had the incredible benefit of having two devoted parents that helped me in my pursuit of my goals. My father Don was my greatest influence growing up and taught me the game on a level that most young players don’t get. However, the person that kept me in the game and made sure I made it to most games was my mom, Vicki. If Colleen Howe is “Mrs Hockey” to the world, then my mother is the “First Lady” of hockey in Kamloops. She is one of the most intensely caring people I have ever met. She drinks Tasters Choice instant coffee (yuck) before bed, is a 7th degree black belt on Pinterest and still can’t get me to eat mushrooms (sucker). She’s the lady that taught me how to cook, how to clean (a lot) and why if you practice the “Golden Rule,” then life becomes “slick as snot.”  Her father was a staff sergeant in the RCMP, had two brothers who had stellar careers in hockey and is the better half of the Western Hockey League’s (WHL) all time coaching victories leader.

So that gave me an idea. One that I think new parents into this sport can appreciate. I wanted to share with my readers a little insight to what a lifetime in the game teaches you. That invaluable wisdom we all covet. That type of higher learning that one can only earn. Heavy metal philosopher Henry Rollins once opined “knowledge without mileage equals B.S.”

I tend to believe he was thinking of hockey moms when he coined this. That braving frozen rinks from coast to coast, enduring sweat soaked car rides with teenagers and finding ways to afford new hockey gear every year is achieved through practical doing rather than theoretical thinking. The famous motivational speaker Tony Robbins quoted it like this, “Remember: Rewards come in action, not in discussion.”

Please put the kettle on and boil a pot. Sit back, relax and enjoy this offering of “Deep-ish thoughts with Darrell”

* a panel of hockey moms was asked this question. “What advice would you give about being a hockey mom?”  They were asked to reflect on their experiences with their own children in the game of hockey and to pass along what they have learned. I tried to poll moms of different levels and experiences. Mamas of pro players, college players, current players and former players. Of male players and female players. Mothers that sent their kids to different towns and to different countries to play this game. I hope you find some advice in these writings that can help you in your journey. Thanks Mom(s)

My name is Jennifer Drost. My son is a goalie for the U18AA Jr Steelheads team. He has been playing hockey for 10 years, 5 years as a player and 5 years as a goalie. Jennifer is the ice director for the Idaho Jr Steelheads and is a staple at Idaho Ice World where she can be found supporting her son Blake and selflessly giving her time to others.

“Here is my advice to the new hockey moms from a goalie mom: Embrace every step of your hockey journey with open arms. Cherish the early morning practices, the camaraderie forged during road trips, and the tight-knit bond of your hockey family. Stay laser-focused on the game itself, steering clear of unnecessary distractions or drama, and savor each passing moment because time marches on relentlessly.

If you find yourself placed on the B team, let it ignite a fire within you to push harder and strive for improvement. Look to my son's experience for inspiration: despite starting on the B team, he tirelessly pursued extra ice time, earning himself the nickname 'rink rat' for his unwavering dedication. Every practice session became an opportunity for him to showcase his skills. Even while officially on the B team, he trained alongside the AA team, treating each session as a chance to prove himself worthy. And eventually, his hard work paid off as he secured a spot on the AA team the following year.

Before you know it, these days of youthful enthusiasm and determination will become cherished memories you'll long to revisit. Embrace every twist and turn of your journey, seize every opportunity that comes your way, and revel in the pure joy of the game, both on and off the ice!”

 Lindsay Wilmot is a mother of two young men chasing their own careers. Her oldest, Sullivan, is a defenseman at OHA Colorado & is listed with the Medicine Hat Tigers of the WHL. Her youngest, Spencer, plays for the Idaho Jr Steelheads and will be a first year U14 player next season. The Wilmot family also chose to accept a foreign exchange student this past year. Lukas, who hails from the Czech Republic, coincidentally, also played hockey this season for the U18 Idaho Jr Steelheads group. 

 "My name is Lindsay Wilmot, I am a hockey mom of two boys. Sully is an 08 and Spencer is an 11. They have been playing since 2018. We tried all kinds of different sports when they were little and the only one loved was hockey. They started in learn to play and once they graduated they moved into the House league. They are both two of the most competitive guys I know. House was not sufficient for how competitive they were. So we made the decision to try out for the Jr Steelheads. We had no expectations for if the boys made it or not. Sully couldn’t even do a backwards crossover, Spence was this tiny little spit fire out on the ice. They both made the team! Sully was given the opportunity to play on Peewee B as a practice player (it just takes one coach to believe in you!) Sul ended up playing all season as a rostered player and Spencer played up on Squirt B as a Mite. Fast forward all of these years, Sully is 15 years old and lives with a teammates family in Denver Colorado and plays for Okanagan Hockey Colorado. During the season he has been protected by the Medicine Hat Tigers in Canada in the Western Hockey League (WHL). This season has been awesome he has won state, districts and is playing in Nationals at the Tier One level. Spencer plays for the Jr Steelheads Peewee AA team. This season he has won several tournaments but the most notable one was the Rocky Mountain Hockey Federation league tournament. Both of my boys work hard daily, on and off the ice. If they are not on the ice shooting the pucks and practicing, they are working out in the garage and shooting pucks at home. They are dedicated to the greatest game on earth, Hockey!

 If I could give one piece of advice about being a good hockey mom: ( well let’s be real, I have been a hockey mom for a while now. So I have more than one piece of advice to give.)

1. Be your kid’s loudest, most positive cheerleader. You are there to be supportive, not break down every puck touch or yell SKATE!!! Even though I am totally guilty of that. Once I put on skates myself and “tried” to play hockey, I stopped yelling SKATE!!! 
2. You are ONE mom on a WHOLE team. Be inclusive of ALL moms. It is hard being the “new mom”. Bring everyone together and do fun things for the players. Plan team dinners, make cute signs or gift bags. Stay up late in the lobby, laughing and telling stories.  It sets a great vibe for the team. 
3. Time in the car to and from practice and tournaments is gold. You won’t ever get that time back. Cherish it. 
4. Your kid will at some point forget their jerseys, sticks, skates or even what rink you have practice at. I have made my boys learn hard lessons and wear practice jerseys and I have also driven wayyyyy too fast to make miracles happen. It’s all part of the adventure. 
5. Get yourself a rink blanket. It will become your good luck charm. I have had the same one for years. 
6. Share all of the opportunities with your kiddos teammates. All players are like popcorn kernels, they all grow and pop at different times. Don’t keep the good opportunities for yourself. Hockey in Idaho is small, we have to grow it so our kids can stay home and play."

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Tara Bolt is a mother of 4, with 3 of her children playing high level hockey. As a Canadian who moved to the United States, Tara has a unique perspective seeing the way the game is developed in separate countries. It’s been a long and winding road of nearly 20 years raising her family in the game. All of her hockey playing kids (2 boys + 1 girl) have left home to play. Those decisions are never easy for parents but due to a strong foundation of family, her children thrive while chasing their dreams. Her sons, Nolan and Braden live in North Carolina and play for the Jr Hurricanes program. Her daughter Keira is now a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin- Eau Claire where she competes for the female hockey team. 

Reflecting back on the nearly 2 decades of being a hockey mom, I have learned many insights along the way. I raised 2 daughters and 2 sons in the game of hockey, 3 out of the 4 continue to play today, one daughter has pursued other athletic passions committing to row at University of Tennessee. We began our hockey journey in the prairie province of Saskatchewan. In this province hockey is a sport that helps shorten the long cold winters. There is a level of play for all those who are passionate. AAA hockey does not exist until U18 and the belief of developing a larger group of children at a younger age is the philosophy. Our children were raised with the philosophy of let them play hockey at the level of their current development - playing time is more important than the label of A, AA, AAA. Our daughter chose to play on a boys team until U16, even though the option of playing on a girls team was available. She grew up during a time of changing in broom closets and bathrooms as girls changing rooms were not the norm. She enjoyed the no muss no fuss of boys hockey. But it also presented its own set of challenges, She was often left out of team bonding because she didn’t dress with the boys, parents were often not accepting of a “girl” on the team and some coaches choose not to select her in the draft not because she wasn’t talented enough to make their team but because she was a “girl.” The number of hockey players in Western Canada is massive and every small town regardless of its size has a rink. All teams played in a league with a restriction on travel and coaches were restricted to the number of out of town tournaments they were allowed to attend. However, these coaches would often push the limits to this rule and have “1 day tournaments” where teams camped out at a rink for the day in a small town outside the city and would play up to 5 games. With travel restrictions and local league play the cost of hockey in Canada was actually more reasonable. Hockey is a winter lifestyle in Canada and is very much considered a community social activity.

We moved to Idaho when my oldest children were 13 years old. In the US we experienced a much different hockey. No longer were players bound by their address. In Saskatchewan and Alberta you must play based on your home address if you are under U16. You cannot choose your team or billet your child to play for a different team. Here the flood gates were wide open. It was a foreign concept to us but one we learned to accept. All 3 of our children played hockey locally in Idaho developing their skills while living at home until they reached U16, when they each asked to move away to play hockey at a AAA level. Our daughter spent a year playing AAA hockey in Boston and a year in Dallas before choosing to play NCAA hockey at University of Wisconsin - Eau Claire. To play at the NCAA level, your daughter must be willing to put in the effort; to contact coaches, promote themselves, attend showcases and figure out how to make themselves stand out as women’s hockey has become increasingly popular and it has become very competitive to secure a college roster spot. It is important to know where you fit on a coach’s roster before you commit to a team as there are healthy scratches every game. Our son played AAA hockey in NC living with his grandparents and then moved to Junior hockey. He is continuing to develop his skills so that he may move on to an NCAA team. Our youngest son moved away this year to play U16AAA in NC. Moving away has its pros and cons - as a mom it is tough to let your child move away, but I learned to be my child’s biggest cheerleader from afar. My children developed a multitude of life skills; from the skills of the game, to being a team player, to learning how to advocate for themselves, how to be a leader and how to win and how to lose with grace. They also learned how to be independent and take on additional personal responsibilities in a protected environment. I truly believe that moving away has to be a players choice -parents shouldn’t push their children to move away to play at a higher level than is offered locally. Billeting and living away from home is not for everyone nor does it have to be. It is a personal choice that comes with a multitude of sacrifices. These sacrifices in our personal circumstance have led to new and exciting opportunities for each of our children as they each continue to pursue their love of the sport of hockey!

Tara Bolt

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Vicki Hay has been around the game of hockey since the days when helmets were optional. She has travelled across North America in various supporting roles. Beginning as a wife of a hockey player, then to a wife of a hockey coach and ultimately to the mother of 3 hockey players. Mrs. Hay has spent nearly 5 decades involved in this game in some capacity. Her husband Don has been part of 4 Memorial Cup Champion teams (Head Coach of 3-Kamloops & Vancouver). Her son Darrell was drafted by the Vancouver Canucks and played over 800 professional games in North America & Europe. Vicki's twin daughters, Ashly & Angela, were early adopters of ladies hockey in Kamloops B.C. and eventually found themselves playing at Mt. Royal University in Calgary, Alberta. She is the backbone & unsung hero of the Hay family. She uses her vast experience to support her oldest grandson in her current role of "hockey grandma."

"Darrell asked me if I could pen a paragraph or two on the role of a Hockey Mom. Although many years have passed since my kids needed my services -not a lot has changed as I watch my kids with my grandkids when it comes to hockey. The role is much the same as being a parent -“support and teach“ -enabling them to “do it for themselves,” so they can manage one day one their own. This role will change over the years of hockey played. From the younger U7 to the U18 (seems hard to fathom right?) the role has many facets. You however (as parents not just hockey Moms) provide the knowledge and the foundation of the right way things are done. In U7 you may find yourself prepping your child’s hockey gear and equipment; not to mention maintaining it (ie: skates sharpened, sticks taped, drying out equipment) Make sure your child’s under gear/ equipment is not only clean and dry- but that it still fits; not only for their comfort but for the maximum protection. We all know how fast kids can grow, and trying to squeeze your foot into something one size to small can be painful- not to mention how it can hinder their on ice performance.  

Water bottles are of particular importance and please make sure your son or daughter has their own and it’s clearly marked. I’ll share one story with you to get my point across. Darrell was attending a summer ice session years ago and borrowed a drink from a teammates’ water bottle. Little did we know that this young lad had just gotten over the chicken pox. As sure as the sun rises- it wasn’t long before Darrell developed those familiar marks. Lesson learnt! There is a tendency to leave these water bottles in with the gear- but a good wash after each use in hot soapy water may save you some extra work down the road. I’m sure like us, you as well will notice how much your child has grown at the beginning of each new hockey season when you try on the equipment. Please don’t neglect this process till the night before the first ice session. Ideally a week or two prior to the first ice is ample time to get get any new equipment if needed; adjust to it or even break it in. As a parent you want to ensure your child has a successful ice session- and breaking in new skates the day of- may not go as you anticipated. And those sticks! This alone is a good measure of how much your child has grown- it may be worn and and need to be replaced or it may just be to small and you need a longer length according to how much they have grown. I can’t tell you how many different types of hockey sticks I have seen over the years . Believe it or not there once was a stick that had a metal shaft that didn’t need replacing! The only part you replaced was the blade… which had dried on glue part way up the shaft. If the blade broke you purchased a new one, heated up the metal shaft, removed the old blade, heated up the new blade and slid it into the existing shaft. My laundry tub still bears the scars from those "olden days” sticks! 

There is nothing worse than performing any physical activity on an empty stomach.
Stopping to grab a burger in the way to practise may not be the wisest of choices; either nutritionally or time wise. I would bet a pan of my cinnamon buns that you will be dealing with a child who doesn’t feel well or looks sluggish on the ice. Making sure they are satiated without being over full before your ice time can go a long ways in their performance and alertness on the ice. Cereal and milk is a quick and ideal choice to carry them through their scheduled practice. It’s nutritionally sound and provides them with the needed energy. What ever the food of choice is you want to ensure they have time to digest it enough so as not to interfere with their performance.

As it goes with being a parent and teaching life skills- it goes in hockey as well. Some coaches may have a parent meeting to outline their plans and expectations for the season.  This meeting is not only informative for the parents- but also informs the parents of what they need to discuss with their child in regards to any expectations. This is typically behavioral; personal, dressing room and on ice. Your role here is a supportive role not only to your child, but also the Coach. Every Coach wants each child to have a successful year;  making new friends, learning and developing new skills and applying those learning to everyday life to help them be the best  they can be- both on and off the ice. We all have days where we aren’t the best we can be, and you may find yourself experiencing a “quiet ride“ home. This is not uncommon. Helping your child learn and understand why they may have not been their best or what they should have done can be a tricky task. You want to encourage- not criticize. If you aren’t sure of how you should deal with supporting/ understanding your specific issues I suggest you talk to the Coach. This ensures you are all on the same page and working together .

Being the parent of a hockey player can be a rewarding experience for the parents as well.  Undoubtably new friendships are made, common interests discussed/ compared/ learnt .. and if needed car pooling to balance work schedules and ice times.  As I reflect back on Darrell’s career the number of friends and acquaintances we have made as parents is “mind boggling."  As we go through life and are of an older age, we occasionally run into friends and reminisce about those times. Our conversations now are about our grandchildren, how many we have, where they live, their ages, and undoubtably the hockey team they play on. No matter your hockey level- enjoy the experience. Hopefully your child is playing because they love the game!  Be aware that it will become more challenging for them as they move up to that next level, and it goes without saying there will be many new life lessons learnt. I encourage you to be that support- in whatever way you can." 
Yours in hockey,
Vicki Hay

 I want to thank all of our contributors to this article. Their experiences and insight into this journey is invaluable. I tried to find ladies from all walks of hockey. The hope was you could read one and say, “that’s me and my kid!”

The last piece of information I have for you is USA Hockey’s Parent Handbook. Think of this like a cheat sheet to help you during your introduction into hockey. It provides information from the simple to the complex. If you can’t find the answer in there, please reach out to me by email at [email protected]. I am here to help. If I don’t have the answer, I would be glad to talk it through with you.

I appreciate you taking some time to read these offerings. I have gotten great feedback from folks that have read these and can’t thank you enough for the trust you put in our program. It’s a responsibility we take very seriously. 

If you're reading this and still get to lace up the skates from time to time, give your mom a call & tell her "Thank you."

Written by Darrell Hay with the help of the amazing ladies above.Thank you!

about the author: Darrell is a certified mama’s boy. He loves catching up with his mom Vicki over A&W onion rings and Root Beers in frosty mugs. He could always spot her in the buildings he played in, giving her patented “thumbs up.” She is responsible for raising us from hockey players to hockey parents. Her belief in “The Golden Rule” guides us in how we operate DHHD today. Thank you Mom, we love you!